4 Critical Ways to Prepare for
a Tough Conversation

We’ve all had them- those tough conversations with a co-worker about a delayed project, a performance issue or any number of things that we’d just rather not talk about.

Alternately, maybe it’s a disagreement with a client, and they hung up on you or vice versa. Even worse, right?!

Well, kind of. It may seem like all the blood is rushing to your head and your heart is beating faster either in anticipation of the conversation, during the conversation or directly after. And while that may be biologically true sometimes, it doesn’t actually need to be that way.

Some people I’ve talked to about these types of scenarios look at me like I’m from another planet because they just can’t visualize what it’s like NOT to have a sweaty palm-like conversation with a manager, peer or direct report. And what I say is: it’s all in the prep.

Oftentimes our conversations feel so out of control because they crash down upon us like the angry waves in the 1990 Patrick Swayze classic Point Break. But with just a little planning (read: this does NOT mean over thinking it), we can engage with people in a different, lighter way, making our conversations AND their outcomes more beneficial to the project or issue at hand AND our relationship with the other person.

Get in the Right State of Mind: It’s likely that if you have labeled a conversation as “contentious”, “scary” or “difficult” that you’ll go into the conversation thinking that way and by extension, acting that way. Or, some people who have labeled a conversation as such will timid-ize (only a word for purposes of this article) themselves, meaning they won’t get their point across and effective change will not be made. For example, instead of saying to yourself, “I have to say ‘no’ to this particular project,” say, “I’m giving an alternate solution that is just as valuable.”

Envision the Outcome: Think about what you want to happen at the other end of the conversation. Using our example above, maybe you want your co-worker to see the merits of your alternative approach and agree to go that way with the project.

Plan What You Want to Say: This is different than, say, writing out a script, which I do not recommend. First of all, the person with whom you’re speaking doesn’t know his or her ‘part’ and if they go ‘off script’, it can make for a no man’s land type of awkward conversation. You can’t control the script, so instead, make sure you jot down what points you want to get across- which are most critical and which ones are less so. Think to yourself, “If I left this conversation and I was able to get X or Y across, then the conversation will have been a success.”

If you’re worried about possible responses from your counterpart, jot down what you think they might say- what objections they may have, for example- and think of what you’d say to those two or three things. But remember, you can’t plan for every eventuality, so if something comes up that really stumps you, you are well within your rights to say, “That’s a really interesting point that I’d like to consider further. I’m going to make a note of that- can I come back to you later today?” In other words, don’t feel like this is the ONLY CONVERSATION YOU CAN EVER HAVE about this topic. It’s ok- and often advised- not to be reactive in the moment.

Think About How You Want to Show Up: Alas, it’s not all about you, you, you when it comes to getting what you want out of a difficult conversation. It’s important to think about how you want to show up to support your colleague as well. Things to keep in mind:

• Acknowledge his or her point of view: It’s likely your colleague has a very strong point of view on the subject- otherwise you wouldn’t be labeling the conversation as difficult (see first point above) in the first place! It could be that you both have very different takes on what the problem with a project is, for example. Making sure you understand what their take is AND the differences between how you view it will be important to fostering a sense of compassion and that you care what the other person thinks during the conversation.
• Slow the pace of the conversation: Oftentimes in these conversations, the pace quickens as tensions rise. Remind yourself to slow the pace throughout the conversation, which reinforces a calmer sense throughout. Take brief pauses to reflect- no one said every conversation had to be filled with words from start to finish.
• Don’t just take: If you’re having a conversation that’s not going to be initially seen as beneficial by the other person, it’s important to think about what you can offer. For example, if one of your direct reports comes and asks for a raise, but you don’t feel it’s merited, be clear and direct and offer them a seat at an upcoming training course that will give them the skills to close the gap, making them closer to getting that raise. Showing you’re investing in an employee long term is likely to go a long way and lessen the blow of not getting what they asked for- at least initially.